So, after a few shots, and a drink or 2, im back!

Tired of being fucking invisible to the world. People tell me, “find something else to dive into. Get a fuckbuddy. Find a new chick.”

Let me be extremely clear…


Its about how a woman that had all of me, threw me away like im nothing. Like im garbage. Like the trash I’ve always felt like. And i want to go back? Where is the logic there?

You dont need love? Then what do you want? If money is the answer, then Im sorry.. cause im not fucking rich.

Im not doing this now. Im just going to stop while im ahead.

But fuck me, I want this hurt to end. And I want it to end now.

So, I dont wanna jinx it, but im pretty much over this. Im tired of being a hot mess, out of control, and what not.

Less and less the urge to talk to you is pressing. Not that I dont want to. But I can no longer speak to you in the capacity I wish. Cause lets face it, nothing I can say can change your mind. Nothing you say is going to reveal some great truth. I want to believe that true love, the feeling I’ve expirienced while being with you wasn’t one sided, but I see that it is. It sucks, but it is what it is.

I cant control you, have never wanted to. All I’ve ever wanted was you. And I gave you what I had. Me. Ill always keep you in my heart, because the time we shared was most of my life. But now I get to grow up, I get to move on, and I get to do things the way I want. If you ever decide to call, text, email, sue, take me to court, just remember a few things. First: I have been more than amicable in this situation. I could have been alot more malevolent. Trust me. But its not in my nature, so I wont. Because you were alot more than that on several occasions. Second, ill always love you. Ill always care. Cant just drop 10 years of my life like it never happened. Cant believe you could either. But thats the way this cookie crumbles I suppose.

I feel like I’ve said enough. I have alot more id like to say, but its late, im drunk, and I gotta get up in the morning. You know, work and what not.

I kinda want you to see this. I want you, the apple of my eye, back. But i no longer have to beat myself up for you walking away and quitting. Wish I could, but im done with that. Im tired of feelin sorry for something I wasn’t responsible for.

So do what you will. But know this: no one will ever replace the love I gave to you. No one can possibly match what I gave away to sate your insatiable thirst. And no one will ever quench mine, like you can.

Wow, long and drawn out. Whatever, no one reads this any who! O well.

So I’ve thought about you texting me. You text me to say something endearing, something to make me feel like you actually care. For a minute I analyze what you say, what I feel it means, what I think or feel about it.

Then I begin to think about my response. What should I say, what’s not going to lead you on, can this be twisted agter being stuck through my chest.

Then I open my eyes. And I realize I’ve been dreaming.

Then the train comes. Up and down we go for what feels like an eternity. Thoughts of freedom, of liberation. Then the thoughts change to awkwardness, and great confusion, finally ending with doubt, pain and suffering.

And I do this constantly.

At least I know what im worth.

Bet you dont know that one!

I just cant stop thinkin of you. The nights we shared, the dreams we had, the life we built.

But then you went and destroyed it all.

And I dont care. Ill forgive and forget, and wait. Every day. For your call.

Even though it’ll never come.